Shutting the Mouths of Liars

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

As I began this morning with prayer, I opened to the psalms and prayed with Psalms 63 & 64. Psalm 63 is a psalm about ardent longing for God; thinking of Him day and night, yearning and thirsting for Him. But the last three verses of this psalm switch the focus of this topic rather starkly:

“But those who seek my life will come to ruin; they shall go down to the depths of the earth! They shall be handed over to the sword and become the prey of jackals! But the king shall rejoice in God; all who swear by the Lord shall exult, for the mouths of the liars will be shut!” Psalm 63:10-12

I honestly didn’t catch this at first, and proceeded to Psalm 64, which is exclusively about malicious deceivers being punished by God. I was reading this psalm, and realizing that the dread foes, the ‘mob of evil doers’, these conspirators, are not flesh and blood enemies. Praying against our enemies and evil doers, is praying against the demons and the devils themselves! But also - and importantly – for me, it means praying against the thoughts inside my own head that tell me I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not holy enough; I’m weak, I’m hopeless, I’m unloved, etc. All of these are lies. I know this, and yet, I still believe them! On a daily basis I believe them. I am encouraged praying these psalms against my enemies with the view that I’m not praying against flesh and blood enemies (though, I do also pray that those who perpetrate evil in this world will absolutely be stopped), but I am praying against all of the invisible powers that come against me that attempt (and too often succeed) to drag me down, and make me feel less than and not good enough. Praying against the evil doers starts by praying against my own restless thoughts. It starts inside. And works its way out… If a robber comes into your house, and there’s a band of others outside trying to work their way in too, how much sense does it make to let the robber that is already in your house run rampant, while you attempt to fend off the others? Wouldn’t it make sense to try and stop the robber that’s already in your house first? Get him out, and then continue to work at preventing the others from also entering. Otherwise, much more will be stolen and much more damage will be done. 

The same goes with the emotional and spiritual world. I have to be vigilant in fighting off the invisible enemies around me, but if I first don’t get rid of the ones inside me, they are going to run rampant and I will be much less effective at defending myself against the others. So first, I have to clear out the complete garbage in my own mind; the thoughts (lies) that run wild in my own head. The demons are tricksters, as Psalm 64 tells us: “They devise wicked schemes, conceal the schemes they devise; the designs of their hearts are hidden”. The thoughts they present might not seem like a ‘wicked scheme’ – but they are, that’s the point – to try and trick us with thoughts that seem like they are true, but are not, and actually degrade us: I’m not good enough. I’m a terrible sinner. I just don’t have what it takes. I never do anything right. What starts as a simple, single moment of weakness or shame suddenly becomes our whole identity! Our whole life! It is true that we ARE sinners. And we DO make mistakes. But this is absolutely NOT what Jesus wants us to use to define ourselves. He tells us that we are loved, worthy, beautiful, forgiven, redeemed, chosen, destined, favored, wanted, enough.

Why is it easier to believe the lies than the truth? How do we not see the many lies we believe while we’re believing them? Well, the more that we are exposed to something, the more we become accustomed to it and think that it’s ‘normal’ or ‘right’. So if we are told these things in a variety of different ways whether through family upbringing, or other damaging relationships throughout life, etc. we believe them. And the more we hear it, or that it’s implied, or the more that we start to subtly reinforce it in our own minds, the more that it becomes truth for us. We’re exposed, we’re comfortable, it’s familiar, it’s normal, it’s right. Except that it’s so very wrong. And it takes time and practice to start calling the lies LIES, and to fend them off for what they are: enemies. Enemies that steal and destroy - destroy our identity as chosen and loved sons and daughters of God; destroy our joy, our hope, and our freedom.

There is something else important about the end of Psalm 64 which says:

“But GOD will shoot arrows at them and strike them unawares. They will be brought down by their own tongues; all who see them will shake their heads. Then all will fear and proclaim God’s deed, pondering what has been done. The just will rejoice and take refuge in the Lord; all the upright will glory in their God.” -Psalm 64:8-11 (emphasis mine)

So if you are feeling a little powerless right now (another lie, by the way), you are most certainly not. Because God fights our enemies with and for us. We can’t do it by ourselves, and that’s okay, because we’re not supposed to. God is the vindicator. And He will fight for us. He’s the general, we’re the soldiers. We have to do our part, but He’ll make the tough calls; He’ll be there when the odds are against us and the chips are down; He’ll lead us through the battle to victory. The victory is the Lord’s. So take comfort in the fact that the final vindication isn’t up to us, and that God will strike down the enemies once and for all. And we, the just ones, will glory in our God.

But how do we do this? How do we, God’s little soldiers, fight these enemies and not let them get inside our heads? Scripture. That’s literally the answer. It’s so simple. Every time I read scripture, lies are debunked. Which means I need to read a whole lot more of it. Fill your mind with truth and there will be less room for the lies. Slowly, they will just get pushed out. Slowly, they can creep back in, which is why we must read scripture constantly, vigilantly, daily. This keeps the enemy where he belongs – away from us, and not residing in our minds where he can (and does) wreak havoc.

I definitely do not read enough scripture. And I’m resolving today to change that. I can’t let a day go by without opening up this bible and letting the grace that emits from the living word fight my battles. We have what we need to do this you guys! We just have to use it! There’s no magic wand or a flip of a switch and BOOM, enemies gone (boy, but wouldn’t that be nice!). BUT, there’s no complicated crazy formula either. It requires a little bit of effort, but it’s incredibly simple. You can do it. And so can I. If I want to stop letting my enemies and their thoughts and their lies get the upper hand in my daily walk, I have no choice but to make sure that scripture permeates my walk. Like it says in the last line of Psalm 63: I want my liars’ mouths to be SHUT! I don’t want the demons walking with me and talking to me! I want the LORD! Who’s with me? 

I’m resolving today. Will you join me?

Exercising Goodness

"We must not wish anything other than what happens from moment to moment, all the while, however, exercising ourselves in goodness. And to refuse to exercise oneself in goodness, and to insist upon simply awaiting what God might send, would be simply to tempt God."
— St. Catherine of Genoa

Today’s musings are generated entirely by reflection on this quote of St. Catherine of Genoa. Some information about the life of St. Catherine of Genoa will also help with perspective. I like knowing a little bit about the woman or man behind the words. Many quotes - this one included - can stand on their own two feet for sure! But knowing who is behind it can lend a deeper credibility to what they have to say.

A saint of the fifteenth century, Catherine was born into a noble Italian family. Though she sought religious life as a young teenager, she was denied because of her age. When her father died, she married at the age of 16 according to her parents’ wishes. But the marriage was terribly miserable for Catherine and she suffered for ten years with her faithless, mean-tempered, excessive money-spending husband. During a time she went to the church for confession, Catherine had an overwhelming mystical experience of God’s love and she experienced a deep conversion. Her life became profoundly focused on God and she immersed herself in frequent prayer, Holy Communion, and care for the sick. She is especially known for tending the sick during the two seasons of the plague that swept across Italy. Catherine’s husband joined her in her work after he too experienced a conversion. Due to the effects of his prior ruthless spending habits, they were in severe financial distress. They moved into the hospital where they cared for the sick and eventually managed the hospital. Toward the end of her life, Catherine explained to her spiritual director her mystical experiences throughout her devoted relationship with God. He complied her memoirs, and her many experiences and writings are of great insight to this day. And so we have this insight from her (repeating the quote):"We must not wish anything other than what happens from moment to moment, all the while, however, exercising ourselves in goodness. And to refuse to exercise oneself in goodness, and to insist upon simply awaiting what God might send, would be simply to tempt God."

It took me a few times reading it over to grasp what she was saying… and it’s worth expounding upon. The whole point is to live in the present moment. And that we shouldn’t wish for anything other than what God has permitted or willed to be in that moment, and - in every moment - to ‘exercise ourselves in goodness’. Each moment is an opportunity – an opportunity to live well. One moment to the next can be vastly different, but we are called in each moment to act in goodness.

What is goodness? Goodness, as defined by the Oxford dictionary, is: “the quality of being morally good or virtuous.” Goodness = virtue. In each moment, we are called to act virtuously. This is the Christian life.

The second sentence of her quote is where the cream of the crop is. We have moments (or seasons) of our lives that we don’t understand, where we feel as if we are waiting on God to respond to a petition we have, and this can make not wishing 'anything other than what happens from moment to moment' extremely difficult. But Catherine tells us that we still must practice goodness, to practice virtue, for the moment. And that to refuse to do so, and to just wait on God without heeding the opportunity to practice virtue in each moment, is simply ‘to tempt God.’ We can be prone to waiting on God with a sort of sensationalist, expectant attitude, and a kind of stubborn, crossed-arms disposition of the heart. When we do this, we focus on what we want to see or experience in a future moment, and we lose the opportunity to act with goodness (virtue) in the moment we are in. Of course, this is absolutely NOT to say that we shouldn’t petition God for the desires of our heart! We can and should and even must do so. Jesus Himself instructs us in this, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you” (Matt 7:7).

We are encouraged further in the Epistles to pray to God with our needs and desires (there would be too many citations to list of all the places where prayer of petition is encouraged throughout scripture, but see Philippians 4:6 & 1 Timothy 2:1 to start!). To pray in this way, is to live in the moment, presenting to God what weighs on our soul in that moment, but then, not simply insisting to wait upon Him, tempting Him to do what we want, but to go on – to go on living well, acting in goodness, persevering in virtue. 

A few tangible examples to envision: a couple who loses their child, petitions God to ease their sadness and console them in their grief, but then go out to serve the homeless at a soup kitchen – to live well, to act in goodness. A woman suffering from a difficult marriage, prays to God for help, and then goes to volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. The man who lost his job and fears for the livelihood of himself and his family, prays to God, and then helps his wife clean the house, acting honorably, living virtuously. The chronic illness that threatens one’s peace, the loneliness that can taunt those who are single, widowed, or in nursing homes, the exhaustion that sweeps over the busy mom with small children, even the small things like burning the toast at breakfast, or forgetting to put the laundry in the dryer a day later (who’s with me!?), every single moment presents an opportunity – to act with goodness. To ask ourselves ‘how do I act with virtue right now?’

This applies to the good moments too! To everything that comes our way. In the moments that we feel especially loved, safe, happy, healthy, grateful, rested, prayerful, appreciated, or motivated – how do we exercise goodness in these times? To live those moments virtuously? Not with excessive pride, or ruthless ambition, or insensitivity – but with humility, patience, gratitude, and kindness.

What’s at the bottom of all this? What is the attitude, disposition, and perspective that we need to have in order to put this into practice, and really live well from moment to moment? TRUST. We have to trust that in the hard times, the sad times, the good times, the happy times, and the just plain busy times, God is taking care of us. To exercise goodness at all times, and to strive after virtue, even in the course of ‘waiting’ on God for the cries of our hearts, is to wait well, to trust Him, to grow, and to make ourselves ready for the work of the Lord in our lives. The work of the Lord is fluid. It is constantly moving and acting, so we’re never really waiting on God as if there’s ever a moment that He is not acting, for He always is. And ultimately, what are we making ourselves ready for? The moment when we’ll meet Him face to face. Everything in life is oriented to our destiny, and we were all created for the destiny of union with God. The ‘exercise of goodness’ in each day to day moment, is to strive after what we seek, is to make ourselves more and more receptive to God’s work in our lives now, and ready for our destiny at the moment He calls us home.

Saint Catherine had moments of joy and gladness and of deep intimacy with God as she dedicated her life and her work to Him, committing herself to prayer; but she also had moments of great trial, pain, and suffering. And her perseverance in the love of God and neighbor, gave her the wisdom to convey this truth to us… The quote one last time: “We must not wish anything other than what happens from moment to moment, all the while, however, exercising ourselves in goodness. And to refuse to exercise oneself in goodness, and to insist upon simply awaiting what God might send, would be simply to tempt God." All in all, we have to live in the moment – to live each moment well, and practice goodness (virtue) in all times and circumstances. And even if we feel like we’re waiting, to continue exercising goodness – to live well anyway. To seek the highest good. 

Lastly, a scripture verse comes to mind that I feel can propel us a little here:

“You have been told, O mortal, what is good, and what the Lord requires of you: Only to do justice and to love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God!” (Micah 6:8)

Keep walking! Live well! 

Sources:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catherine_of_Genoa

https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/goodness

The Face of The Savior

The Face of The Savior

A Poetic Meditation for Holy Week

This is the Face of the Savior,

The One who sets us free.

Tonight He goes to supper,

And washes feet on bended knee.

Afterwards He’s handed over,

And spends the night alone.

Captured, chained, and dragged,

A prison cell His home.

Questioned, ridiculed, bound, 

Taken from place to place;

Beaten and battered, and spat upon,

This truly Holy Face.

Long and lonely, painful night;

Morning brings condemnation.

The people want Him crucified,

Those who loved Him, from His own nation.

Stripped and scourged, 

He endures the worst,

Shedding His blood,

To break the curse. 

Each drop of blood shed,

To cover our sins.

Yet this is barely

Where the Passion begins.

His body marred beyond description,

His blood poured out for us.

Destined for His crucifixion,

Now He’s made to carry His cross.

Climbing the hill via the streets,

Falling beneath the weight.

Bearing all out of love,

Hearing only words of hate.

The holy women weep for Him,

Veronica wipes His face;

He leaves His miraculous image,

Still sharing abundant grace.

Arriving on the hill of death, 

About to be made holy,

He’s bound and nailed to His cross,

pouring blood, raised slowly. 

He bears His three hour agony,

Upon the holy wood,

Hanging between two thieves,

One unrepentant, the other good. 

He hands His spirit over,

About to accomplish the greatest work.

His Passion to redeem us,

While the demons lurk. 

The evil spirits think they’ve won;

The Son of God is dead.

But Jesus Christ has other plans,

The demons now will dread. 

He breaks the chains of sin and death;

His perfect blood atonement.

He crushes evil, dies to save us,

To share in His enthronement. 

His body taken from the cross,

His mother cries and holds Him;

Gently wrapped and perfumed body;

The grave prepared that will not hold Him. 

On the day, that is the third,

The angel appears announcing,

“Christ who died, is here no longer, 

Go tell the others, rejoicing.”

The grave is broken, 

Christ is alive!

All borne for us,

Our spirits revive.

Take great joy in this great grace;

Look upon this Holy Face,

The loving Savior,

Who took your place.

Rejoice and be glad!

Finish the race! 

An Anniversary Celebration - Desert Style

Well, here I am! And it’s been well over a year since my last post… I guess being quasi quarantined creates time for things that have fallen by the wayside. Plus, today is a bit of a special day for me personally and I feel it is worth sharing about.

As some of you may or may not be aware, I have spent the past year practicing my Catholic faith in the Eastern Byzantine (particularly Ruthenian) tradition. If you aren’t familiar with the Eastern Catholic churches, let me just throw out a few tidbits of information right off the bat: No, I am not in schism! Yes, I am still Catholic! All of the Eastern Catholic churches are in full communion with Rome, with valid liturgies, sacraments, theology, etc. Any Roman Catholic can walk into any Eastern Catholic church at any time (and vice versa) and participate in the liturgy, receive the Holy Eucharist, etc., 100% valid, 100% Catholic. Other Eastern Catholic Churches that you may have heard of before are Chaldean Catholics, Ukrainian Catholics, and Melkite Catholics. These, along with Ruthenian Catholics, are just a few of the 23 particular churches that comprise the ‘Eastern Catholic Churches’. That’s about all I will go into about the details of the Eastern Catholic churches at this point, as this is not the purpose of this article (though necessary for context), but you can find more information that is extremely helpful from the Wikipedia article on the Eastern Catholic Churches if you want to read further: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Catholic_Churches

Oh, and bonus tidbit: the Eucharistic Celebration in the Eastern Catholic Churches is called the “Divine Liturgy”, not the Mass.

Since becoming introduced to the Eastern practice of the Catholic faith, there have been many changes to my life as a result. I’ve been quite immersed in the church and the entire way of life. On the outside, this means a lot more icons! A lot more incense (which I absolutely LOVE! My favorite thing is to go home from church and having my hair and clothes so permeated with the smell of incense that I can still smell it hours later!), longer hours of prayer, and even learning the ancient language of Old Church Slavonic. (We celebrate the Liturgy in English, but Slavonic is the liturgical language of the (European) east; the equivalent of Latin in the west – but much more complicated as it is based in the Cyrillic alphabet like Greek and Russian). Spiritually, the sacredness of prayer has been heightened and incorporated into my life in new and beautiful ways. I could go on and on for HOURS, or more likely DAYS, about many specifics of practical and spiritual traditions of the East that have transformed my day-to-day, but maybe I can do more of that in future posts.

To make a very long story short, I dove into Eastern Catholicism head-first. It was like tasting sugar for the first time… This is GOOD! I want it all the time! Okay, maybe sugar is not the greatest analogy because sugar isn’t good for you. God is. But you get the point. It’s something that you never forget and that you want to go back for. And that’s what I did. I kept going back. I felt a peace come over me that I couldn’t describe; like there was a puzzle piece to my spiritual life that I was missing, searching for, then found, and it fit. My first Divine Liturgy at my now home parish, was almost exactly a year ago on March 31, 2019. And I never turned back.

Coming up on a first anniversary of sorts, I’ve been anticipating it for WEEKS, filled with gratitude and great excitement! Enter in: coronavirus. Everything cancelled, no gatherings, no celebrations. Anticipating and climbing toward it like a mountain peak, and just when I’m so close, the peak gets chopped off. I can’t celebrate in prayer with my parish family, with my new friends. I can’t go to the Divine Liturgy; I can’t receive the Eucharist; I can’t have coffee in the social hall. My soul was grieved. I teared up reading our Ruthenian bishop’s letter as the reality hit. Then, I just tried not to think about it.

My parish, like some other churches, is open during the day for some hours in order for the faithful to come and spend time in the church (socially distant of course) for personal prayer. I went to the church today to pray for a while. 

No one else was there. I entered alone, I prayed alone, and I left alone.

Going to the church today, my experience was far from what I would have weeks ago imagined it to be, but was basically as I had grown to expect during these past few days. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. I still wished it could be different. But – only by God’s grace – I fought against the despair and desolation and entered into the Presence of my Lord.

Enter in: St. Mary of Egypt – the absolute most fitting, perfect, timely feast to commemorate at this time. I remember celebrating her feast last year, at my second Divine Liturgy. Her feast day is April 1, but we also celebrate her feast on the Fifth Sunday of the Great Fast (Lent) – today. St. Mary of Egypt spent well over half of her life in complete isolation, and deprived of the sacraments (sound familiar?). But I’m jumping ahead. St. Mary of Egypt, since being a young girl, lived a life of dissolute promiscuity for 17 years. She was greatly impassioned, seeking pleasure from any man who would have her. She chose this way of life not out of necessity like a prostitute, but out of sheer, unbridled desire. Mary decided one day to travel with a group that was going to the Holy City of Jerusalem, willingly trading her body for the means to pay her way. She wasn’t traveling with these pilgrims for a holy reason, but simply taking the opportunity to travel. Upon their arrival to the holy church of the Resurrection, Mary was unable to enter the church as though by an invisible force, no matter how many times she tried. Upon waiting at the entrance of the church, while the others gathered inside, she was enlightened, realizing that her impure way of life was preventing her from entering this holy place. She wept bitterly in sincere repentance, imploring the Mother of God to allow her to enter the church and venerate the Lord, which she did. She immediately renounced her impassioned life, approached the Holy Mystery of confession to be absolved of her sins, and received Holy Communion for the first time in her life. From there, she fled to the desert to live the next 47 years of her life in repentance and prayer as a hermit in complete isolation. After 46 of these years, St. Zosimas, a priest, discovered her in the wilderness. Mary told him her story, and asked him to bring her holy communion one year later, which he did, and Mary crossed the Jordan River by walking on the water to meet him and receive communion. St. Mary received the Eucharist that day for the second and last time of her life, dying shortly thereafter.

St. Mary of Egypt is a powerful example of repentance and reformation of life, and also of the omnipresence of God’s grace – even when deprived of the sacraments. We should, of course, receive the sacraments often, and be immersed in the life of the church. The Eucharist IS the source and summit of the Christian life. However, if and when we are deprived of the holy mysteries, as many of us currently are, this does not mean that God’s grace is not at work. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. Not sufficient in a way that just ‘gets us by’ as if to provide the bare minimum to just barely hang on to holiness, but sufficient in a way that provides for every, single, possible need for grace. Sufficient to pave the way for great virtue, holiness, and even sainthood – if we truly seek Him.

Today in my beloved church, as I sat in complete solitude for an hour and a half of private prayer, I reflected quite a bit on the life of Mary of Egypt, on this, her feast day... isolated, as she was; deprived of the Eucharist, as she was; ‘celebrating’ in prayer, not like I imagined, but like was almost destined - and perhaps even fitting - for this time. The journey of faith is not to be reduced to mere human celebration. The journey of faith is a sublime process of union with God. It is not about how many days, or months, or years, have passed. It is simply about Him, and His presence permeating our lives. So as I reflect on this day - a day that turned out to be much more solemn than I originally anticipated - perhaps it is the way it was supposed to be. With focus not on the tangible, but on the eternal; not on celebration, but on solitude. Not on humanity, but on Divinity.

Suddenly, my time of prayer alone in the church this day doesn’t seem at all sad - but truly sacred.

St. Mary of Egypt, pray for us!

Photo Source: My own photo :) Not my regular icon corner, but my make-shift arrangement for prayer in a different room in my home last night. Complete with incense burning - my favorite!